The Transition Zone...

Sometimes feeling like we were left behind with the same compassion that one throws out old newspapers, Daphne and I are glad for new friends to uplift our spirits. Like a visitor who had read about the Big Gold Dog and wanted to meet Daphne.

The Day Dawns Bright.....

Things change, life goes on, but God has a plan for us all. A spiritual base and many friends have helped in leading up to this day. Spiritual growth sometimes comes from hard lessons but I believe what in AA are known as "The Promises"....

If we are painstaking about this phase of our spiritual development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. It's amazing how that works isn't it? Thanks God.

Today's cost of obeying God's will for me: Unfathomable heartache, $275 and time served.

D. Daphne Dog....

It was one week ago today that The Big Gold Dog passed away and as hard as it's been I don't think that I could have made it without D. Daphne Dog. D. Daphne has had a hard summer too. She was originally an abandoned puppy and then this summer she was left behind again by her previous owners. A tough deal for a dog not seeing familiar faces ever again. But she adapted well and it was nice for me to know that she was inside with Tres when I was gone during the day. I think they were good companions.

Now Tres is gone and Daphne is having, along with me, to adjust again. She's doing well but never leaves my side where ever I am. I'm sure she may be enjoying this promotion from spare dog to main dog, as Tres occupied much of my time in the last several months. And I'm enjoying her too. She loves to ride with me on various errands and being a smaller dog than Tres I don't feel bad about taking her along in the car and leaving her for a few moments as I run into the photo processors, cleaners or where ever. If ever a dog loved to ride, it's Daphne.

And she is a hoot. A very smart and inquisitive dog she's always up to something. This past week I had the DeAnda family interior contractors in repairing the leak damage in the den. There were sheet rock guys, plasterers and painters. Every time a new worker came in, we had to stop all work so that Freddy DeAnda could show them D. Daphnes tricks. On my question, "where's your toy"?, her ears stand up, she searches and finds her rope where ever it was in the house. Same with the ball, she knows the difference. But her "roll-over" was the show stopper. I don't understand much Spanish, but I could tell the guys were impressed.

Thanks D. Daphne for getting me through the week.

On the road again.....?

Before I delve into today's headline subject, I have to take a moment to once again thank and express my heartfelt gratitude to all those many, many people who left comments, emailed or phoned me concerning the passing of my best buddy Tres. It lifts my spirits to think that a Big Gold Dog and his love could affect so many people, for the messages weren't for me, they were for him. I know he got them. Thanks again, and when I regain my composure on that subject I intend to relate in more detail what a spiritual experience it was to be awakened by him as he left this world....a fact I've become more sure of in the last days. Since then, and dog owners know this, I have thought I've seen him sometimes sleeping in his old spots and last night as I walked barefoot over the tile floors where he used to sleep all night, I thought I actually felt a warm spot like I used to notice for hours after he'd gotten up...

So, On the road again? I think so. Daphne and I have been talking. It's sad to us that since last May the number of inhabitants at the Bedford Dr. estate has dwindled from a happy and joyous five living occupants [OK, some happy and joyous] to a paltry two inhabitants pared down by departures of both the heavenly and moving van variety. We are the expendable ones and we've been thinking of loading up the car and hitting the road.

My daily happiness doesn't revolve around having to have some trip in the planning stage, but I do like to get up and go occasionally. In the last year or so however, travel didn't seem as important as taking care of ailing dogs and Dad's. Tres is now on his last great trip and my Dad has nursing care several times a week, so it seems like a good time to venture forth upon the open road. In fact the Big Gold Dog and I used to motor around on occasion, our favorite spot being the Gage Hotel in Marathon, Texas, where they loved to accomodate both humans and dogs alike. We spent several wonderful nights there rocking on the front porch talking to interesting folks. There's nothing like a Big Gold Dog to help make friends. We also visited the Marfa lights, I saw them, Tres didn't. And I have to add that a former resident did plan some wonderful trips for us, frankly some of my happiest times, which I will remember for ever. But that's the past.

The future is that D. Daphne and I are going to be heading Northwest on a photo odyssey. The first three stops are planned and mostly booked. First will be the Hurd Gallery B&B in San Particio, New Mexico which is mostly booked if I can convince Michael Hurd that D. Daphne is OK to stay in the rooms. Next and completely booked today is onward to Galisteo, NM and the home of my artist friend Woody Gwin. Woody and his wife, Diana live in an historic adobe hacienda with guest quarters. Daphne and I will be the guests.

Next will be a short hop up to Santa Fe to the hacienda home of acquaintance Steve Northup, a celebrated Vietnam combat photographer. Steve's wife has also recently departed, she via the heavenly route. I say acquaintance because I've never met Steve personally, but have talked to him on the phone many times and emailed even more asking photo questions. He's often invited me up for a little personal instruction. Not a bad teacher, he's been nominated for three Pulitzer Prizes.

So we're in Santa Fe and where to next? As long as we're that far, and we're going to have think about this, but neither D. Daphne nor I have never been to Monument Valley. I've always wanted to see where all the John Ford westerns were filmed and, of course, it's a must once in a lifetime for any semi-serious photographer. And as long as we're there San Francisco is not out of the question. That's doubtful, but when you get driving it's hard to stop. I love San Francisco and haven't been there in ages.

The New Mexico portion is a must, October is my favorite month there. I assume we'll be leaving as soon as business and the Air Show are taken care of here at the beginning of October, in between football photo assignments and before my next sojourn to San Antonio in late October. The open road beckons....

The passing of The Big Gold Dog....

The Big Gold Dog, Tres, passed away without pain or discomfort and on his own according to God's will this morning at about 6:40 a.m. Both he and I were as prepared as we could be. Last night, as I have done for years I sat with him before I went to bed saying, "I love you, you big old dog". He was alert, looked particularly contented and knew I was there. I'm glad those were the last words he ever heard. I knew the end was near and dear friend that he was he went on his own without having to force me to make that painful last decision. I'm grateful to God that at least during the last several months he was able to enjoy his front yard and the many people who loved him and stopped to stroke his golden head. Or his friends like Snoopy, who got to stop by for one last visit in the final weeks. There has been no better friend on earth nor a more gentle soul.....

If there is any creature on earth that will be granted "express check-in" to God's eternal kingdom it will be the Big Gold Dog. He was my best buddy on earth and he taught me the true meaning of unconditional love, not only his for me, but hopefully mine for him too. His strength and will to go on doing the things he loved in the last month was remarkable. He now lies buried in my folks yard next to my last great golden pal "Ranger".

I know that he left me at 6:40 because, for a reason I didn't understand then, I awoke abruptly at the moment. As I have done for these last months of his illness I got up and went to look down the hall, not far from my bed, to check on him. He looked to be slumbering peacefully, which I now know he was, asleep in God's arms and waiting at the Rainbow Bridge. I went back to sleep and when I checked on him when I awoke again, I realized that he was gone, looking as peaceful and serene as he always has. I now know why I awoke at 6:40; I firmly believe that he left this good earth at that moment and his spirit passed over me one last time, letting me know he was going.

I held his head in my arms and told him goodbye again, and as I let Daphne in, she went right to his side and lay down next to him, knowing too that he was gone. I then called my friend and AA sponsor Robert who lives down the street to see if he could help move Tres to my parents yard where he would be buried. He said, of course, and was right there helping me move Tres to one of his favorite blankets in which we carried him gently to my folks.

I then I went to church, where Dr. Tim Walker, who had met the Big Gold Dog, offered to make a special prayer for Tres. Next to an after chruch AA meeting where most members knew of Tres' illness and offered their prayers for him. I had arranged for another Robert, a man I sponsor in AA, to come to the burial site to help me dig the grave for Tres and true to his word, he came as soon as I called. When I knew that Robert was on the way, I'll have to say that I finally broke down and sobbed like I have not done in decades, the finality of my best buddy's death had finally hit home.

Robert and I dug a nice grave in a shady spot of my folks yard, next to Ranger, my last Golden. With my folks in attendance we had a nice moment of silence followed by prayers from Robert and Myself. Tres was wrapped in his beautiful and clean blanket and I laid one of my favorite sweatshirts, one filled with my scent under his head as well one of his favorites treats, a rawhide bone. Robert and I closed his grave and I laid a golden lily over where his heart now rests. I had brought Dahpne to say good bye to her pal, and as a gift from God, she laid down right atop his resting place, a fitting tribute I thought.

I cannot tell you enough what the outpouring of emails, phone calls and personal sympathy that I have received today mean to me, as well as the beautiful flower arrangement sent by my old friends the Bynums. It's nice to know that although some people see fit to leave our lives at hard times like these, there are more than enough caring ones to take their place.

I went to two funerals yesterday, one for an old AA friend who had died elsewhere but had chosen to be buried next to her husband in Odessa. Kathy was from an old family in North Carolina, and although only 5 of her close family had flown out for the memorial the amount of flowers sent was staggering. As we left they invited me to take one of the arrangements, which I gladly did, a beautiful fall bouquet of fresh flowers that featured gold and rust tones. I chose these because they would match the living room decor. Kathy's sister told me of the strange coincidence that of all those arrangements I had picked the one that was sent by my friend Patti in North Carolina who had been instrumental in helping me get sober many years ago......and who had emailed me each day asking of Tres' condition. It wasn't until I knew that Tres was gone that I realized the significance of my choice of that golden bouquet, it was a gift from God to me early today, a message that Tres, the Big Gold Dog was home.

I don't mind telling you that I've been sobbing uncontrollably at times with the finality of my loss, there have been very few days over the last 10 or so years that I have not had him by my side. Tonight will be the worst, not having him laying with me in the office and not sleeping down the hall outside the bedroom. But with all the heartache I've had lately, God did give me another gift, D. Daphne Dog who will help with the continuity of my life and be a good companion to help ease the pain. In fact we're going walking right now.

I'm grateful for the skill and true caring of my Vet and friend Dr. Greg Adkins who stopped by almost daily to check and minister to Tres. Again, I cannot offer my profound thanks enough to all who cared about my best buddy, The Big Gold Dog.

To be free.....

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you wll be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words, do it anyway, and you will be free. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness, resentment and hatred, you will now feel compassion, understanding and love. And you will be free....

From the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, page 552.

The Truth...

"And the truth shall set us free". And so it did with me today. Honestly, I had suspected the truth but had wanted not to accept it, but when the truth slaps you right in the face there is no ignoring it. I had expected better but shouldn't have.

No more naive hope, false optimism or positive expectations from a situation where there was none. The truth was a dagger and it delivered one of the most painful cuts and deepest hurts that I have experienced in all my life, but it is better to know than to have dreamed of what could have been.

The truth will set me free and now I have surrendered so that I might go on to win.

I'm here...I think

Just a note to let the world know that I'm still here. My free time has been busy lately. I've been updating the Midland High Football website which has included changing the entire site architecture, redoing rosters and stats with the contstant change that goes on within the team, not to mention going to most of the team and booster club events to take photos. But it is a fun assignment, I've met a lot of nice new folks and kids and the booster club has rewarded me financially. In fact with far more than I think I'm worth. But thanks.

I have been busy, also, tending to the care of the Big Gold Dog. Frankly there have been days lately where I thought the end was hours away. For 24 hrs. he did not move from the same spot, although he would still eat a little and drink water if I brought these to him. Bologna and cheese was his entire meal somedays....eschewing all his regular treats and dog chow. I have consulted his Vet, Greg Adkins and close friends regularly about his condition and whether I am doing the right thing with him. All who have seen him agreed that as long as he still has the light in his eyes and the will to get up and go out front occasionally he should be allowed to go on, as he does not seem to be in pain.

In fact today, he was up and around, rolling in the grass out front and actually ate an entire bowl of food. OK, so I fixed him a pound of hamburger, he needs his protein, at least he finally ate a large quantity. The last several nights have been taxing as to get him outside and back inside while it's dark is a feat. Though he can make out objects during the day, at night he is for all intents blind. I lead him in and out which he...and I are getting used to.

The final day will come soon, but I've never seen a dog with such a strong will and constitution and I'm not going to give up on him as long as he has the desire to go on. I'm just grateful that I've gotten to spend these extra days with him.

Bulldogs....!

I'll have to say that roaming anywhere I please on the sidelines of a Midland High Bulldog football game beats sitting in the stands. Yessiree I had a great time on my first outing as a semi-official photographer for the football team and the booster club. Not only do I get to watch the plays from ground level, some coming right at me, but I was free to sit in on the offensive, defensive and special teams confabs during the game, talk to coaches and players when they had time and give a few rah-rahs directly to the guys who had made the big plays.

Yes sir, beats sittin' in the stands. Here are a few digital photos of the game. I've got two rolls of 35mm. yet to be added.

Football...

As some other blog somewhere recently noted, it is football season. I like the start of the season because it means the most beautiful season, Fall, is upon us and I do enjoy watching the college season unfolding. But I've grown to appreciate high school ball more over the years as the Pro's have become more, well Pro, and the college games have become, once again, more Pro. High School boils the game down to a more simple philosophy and here in Midland, anyway, almost any kid can suit up and be a member of the team, some getting small playing time for sure, but on the team none the less, which is supposed to be the purpose of a "game" for teenagers.

This year it will be exciting for me to be a Midland High Bulldog fan. I will get to be upclose and personal at many of the games, on the sidelines close. I have become the new maintainer/photo person of the Midland High Football website operated by the MHS Football Boosters. I was chosen for the job after an arduous selection and screening process over many months, beating out numerous other applicants.

Well, not quite, I was roped into doing the job by my friend Mike P. and his wife Martha who are the Presidents of the booster club this year. Anyway, it pays a small stipend and I do get to sideline the games and shoot photos which should be fun. The site is being upgraded and updated. If you're a Bulldog fan check it out, we plan on having many more pictures, some up already.